I have focused on my hair since I was a young girl. “Perfect hair” no matter the style. My Mom started my sister and I off, with a focus on hair at a young age. I used to be in tears, with Mom trying to contort my hair into perfect hair with elastics and barrettes and on and on to go to school. My memories of going to Sunday School at Church, were of being in tears before we left the house, because it hurt, getting my hair pulled into pigtails or ponytails, or whatever the hair of the week my Mom had chosen for me was to be.
Then add to that, the fact that I have spent thousands of dollars over an adult lifetime, getting cool and funky or classy hairdos, full of colour and style. “Good” hair, gave me confidence. It just did. My confidence went down, when my hair was not “good” in my eyes. There were times that I could not afford to get my hair done regularly. It did not look “good” or cool or funky sometimes. That was upsetting … to not afford the hair I thought I wanted and needed, to be confident in the world.
I am sharing this thinking to let you know, that having had breast cancer and being BALD, has been very freeing. I have loved being bald. I knew right away that it did not frighten me. And that was also a choice to not be afraid or upset. I was warned in advanced by the oncologist that I would lose my hair, and when I would lose it, so I was prepared. The process of losing my hair was fascinating, as were the various stages.
BALD has given me freedom from thinking about hairdos and what colour or what cut.
BALD has given me freedom from looking in the mirror to see if my hair was right, from front and from back in a rear view mirror. Yep.
BALD has given me freedom from paying for shampoos and conditioners and hairdressers and hair salons and hair products. Freedom.
BALD has meant I do not need a comb or a brush. Ha. It has meant getting out of the shower or tub, towel dry my scalp, and off I can go, out into the world.
I have not been one to walk around the public world displaying the “bald is beautiful” look … It was not what I wanted to do.
I have worn caps and toques and all of the many gifts that some of you have sent me, head coverings.
I chose to not expand that feeling of BALD freedom into the public world, over these many months because people can be mean and they stare. I wanted to protect my psyche, my vulnerable self, while I was not well, and am recovering.
My BALD head, has been bared in the privacy of home, for me.
PLUS, I love all my funky hats! It is a new form of art I have discovered, and I think I will always collect hats now. I LOVE wearing hats. This is new.
There we have it! I think that you have just read my morning journal.