Lately I have been waking up at 4 AM. It just is. There is no point in resisting it, I just go with it.
I had great intentions when I first started this blog, and things have not gone as planned, as one might expect with breast cancer. A lot of things do not go as I planned.
I wanted to blog daily, or weekly, or at least bi-weekly, or OK, weekly at minimum. It hasn’t happened. I am not surprised. (deep down I knew that “daily” wouldn’t happen 🙂
Breast cancer changes your priorities, it changes your energy levels and what you have ability to focus on physically, mentally, emotionally. Many of you reading this will not be surprised that I haven’t blogged regularly. There are a gazillion blogs out there that didn’t go as planned. It’s all OK. It’s all Good.
I am learning to let go quickly, and to move on. Or to begin again.
Each day is an opportunity to try again, to begin life anew, to hit the refresh button on life, to not give up, and to make a new plan, a new strategy. Every day is a chance to practice acceptance, to let go of perfectionism, to stop striving for others, and to focus on ones own needs.
So here I sit, now it is 5 AM and maybe it is time to go downstairs and grab a coffee. I won’t say “daily morning coffee” because since I began chemotherapy treatment, I don’t have a daily morning coffee. I have a coffee when I feel like it, and sometimes it is never, for an entire week, or sometimes it is a couple of times per week. My taste buds have changed with treatment, and during some parts of the chemotherapy cycle, my tastebuds completely disappear. Poof!
Yes, Starbucks, I have saved money. No regular Starbucks visits for me, except for on my road trips to Victoria for treatment. I have actually enjoyed not drinking coffee. Sorry Starbucks and all the organic coffee companies I support at home by brewing your freshly ground beans at home. Coffee isn’t what it used to be. There is no flavour and no kick. It has actually been a relief. It is a pleasure to listen to my body each day and let her decide if I need or want a coffee or not, and most often, she says, nope, I don’t need one, don’t want one.
Except this morning, well, let’s see, OK, time to grab a coffee, as I will be sitting here awhile working on this website, getting it in good shape for regular blogging. Ha. A new WordPress theme and a few customizations and I will be ready to start writing again, daily, bi-weekly, weekly, or whenever the mood hits me.
No promises on daily blog posts, no promises on daily coffee. But yes, I am applying a new theme.
Yes, life has changed since breast cancer … for the better.
Like right now, I am simply talking to you. I have been able to take off my (old) graphic designer / web designer hat, and not care if I have the “perfect” WordPress theme, or the perfect header image or fonts. At least on this website. However, as I re-do my photography and artist website, that is a different story, quality and perfectionism is my good old friend, as we work through a re-design of brendajohima.com. Watch for a smorgasbord of colour and brilliance coming up soon … or not. In time.
Always with love,